Citadel of Desire - Chapter 6

Ray had known envy throughout her life.

Grace, clutching her Maron doll during every luncheon.

The older sister who gave away the strawberry on her cake to her younger sibling.

A father reading fairy tales in pajamas.

The nights spent invited to a friend’s tea party.

The list was endless.

In this place, though, Ray encountered countless new experiences.

Touching a man who wasn’t a relative.

Sweets so decadent they made her tongue lazy.

Time spent learning to read without anything being demanded in return.

Compared to her past, these were days of honeyed delight.

“Don’t leave your room after midnight,” said Mary.

“I know. Claudan already told me,” Ray replied.

“Oh, and if there’s something you want to eat, wait until the next day to tell us. Don’t wander around looking for me.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Don’t worry.”

Ray didn’t know what normal family life was like. Hers had been barren and dry, lacking vitality. Nor had she ever had the chance to hear what life was like for others.

“Good night, miss.”

On certain nights, Ray wasn’t allowed to leave her room.
Mary explained it as a long-standing family custom, while Philip insisted it was just a day for thorough cleaning, locking the doors.
Ray couldn’t tell who was right, but she found herself wondering whether this tradition was unique to this household or if other lords practiced it too.

Claudan, on the other hand, seemed to detest the custom. Though he never said as much directly, it was evident in the way he snapped at Philip or in how Mary retreated to the kitchen to prepare endless trays of snacks for him. Even Jack, the stable boy, would click his tongue and disappear, while the gardener neglected the flowers he usually tended with care. The whole household seemed irritated, if not outright hostile, toward the ritual.

One day, curiosity got the better of Ray, and she asked Claudan directly.

“Claudan.”

“Yeah?”

“What happens if you don’t follow the custom? Is it really that serious?”

Claudan didn’t respond immediately, his face clouding with hesitation. Ray felt uneasy and quickly offered an apology.

“Sorry, I just… If everyone dislikes it so much, I wondered why you have to go through with it…”

“Ray.”

“Huh?”

“If I come to your room…”

He trailed off, looking pensive. Ray laughed awkwardly, unsure where this was going.

“Don’t let me in.”

“What?”

Claudan’s tone made her think he might be joking, but she nodded nonetheless, treating it as a trivial matter. Claudan never brought up the tradition again, and Ray didn’t press further. Everyone has something they’d rather bury, she thought—a secret best left underground.

“Wish this would just pass quickly,” Ray muttered to herself.

Once, she had tried sleeping the night away, but the next day, she’d felt so drained she could barely sip clear soup. She vowed never to attempt such a foolish method again.

This time, she borrowed books from Claudan to keep her occupied. Reading had become her new passion, helping her avoid spiraling into gloomy thoughts.

“I’m already missing him, and I’ve only just started this,” she murmured, glancing at the books stacked beside her bed.

Ray’s idle imaginings always ended the same way. Whether or not Claudan’s financial investment in her went to waste, she’d eventually return to her hometown. At one point, she had even wanted that. But now? Now she couldn’t imagine smiling the way she once had before coming here.

Ray tapped the cover of the book beside her, part of a ten-volume set Claudan had carefully selected. He was the one who had sparked her interest in reading, after all. She enjoyed sharing her impressions of the stories with him, chatting until the early hours of the morning.

Claudan laughed easily, often catching her watching him. Whenever their eyes met, he’d give her a playful smile. When he argued with Philip, his laughter had the mischievous quality of a child caught breaking a window. Ray, thoroughly smitten, could only adore him for it. She promised herself she wouldn’t let her feelings grow any further; she only wished she could see Claudan’s smile every day.

“Ray!”

A loud bang on her door shattered her reverie. The sound wasn’t a polite knock but a rude, desperate pounding. It was well past midnight, and no one should have been wandering the halls at this hour.

“Open up! It’s me!”

It was Haysh.

Ray scrambled out of bed, yanking the blanket around her shoulders as she hurried to the door.

“Haysh?”

The moment she opened it, the pungent scent of sweat hit her. Haysh, who usually took great care with his appearance, stood disheveled before her. His shirt hung open, his eyes weary and strained. It was a version of him she had never seen before.

“Oh, Ray,” Haysh murmured, his voice trembling with emotion.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Ray asked, her tone edged with worry.

“You wouldn’t understand… you have no idea… how much I’ve…” Tears shimmered in his eyes, his desperation palpable.

Ray’s jaw tightened in unease. “Don’t tell me… did you lose Claudan’s money?”

“What?” Haysh’s tearful expression twisted into one of bitter humiliation.

“Watch your mouth! Lose it? Who said I lost it? Do you think that pittance matters right now?”

“Pittance?” Ray repeated, disbelief coloring her voice.

“Get a grip, Ray! Do you even know why that guy’s being so nice to you…?”

“It was that ‘pittance’ we didn’t have that got us here in the first place!”

“Ray Lisburn! I told you to stop interrupting me!”

“Then why? Why do you keep getting conned? And why, of all people, Claudan’s—ah!”

Smack!

The sound reverberated down the quiet hallway. Sparks danced in Ray’s vision, her cheek burning as Haysh grabbed her shoulders and shook her roughly.

“Ray Lisburn! No matter how naive you are, how dare you mock your own brother? What, have you been living here so long you actually believe that thing likes you? Huh?”

“Let go of me!” Ray shouted, struggling against his grip.

“That bastard is a monster! This place is crawling with monsters! Do you even know what I’ve gone through trying to get you out? I spent an entire day hiding under a table!”

The sight of Haysh’s bloodshot eyes and erratic movements disgusted her. It wasn’t hard for Ray to believe he’d been drinking heavily before concocting some absurd plan to escape. It was the worst possible scenario, exactly as she’d feared.

“I’m not leaving. I don’t want to! Go by yourself!” Ray snapped, her voice resolute.

“You’re insane. Completely bewitched by that monster,” Haysh spat, his expression a mixture of disgust and exhaustion. But Ray’s frustration mirrored his.

“Haysh, please, just apologize to Claudan. If you run again, where will you go? Do you think we have anywhere left? I… I like it here. Everyone’s kind and thoughtful. And…”

“They’re nice because they’re planning to eat you alive!”

The argument came to an abrupt halt as both siblings fell silent. Each thought the other utterly foolish and beyond reason, and both seemed to simultaneously give up on trying to persuade the other.

“Ray, listen to me. With our parents gone, I’m your guardian. You don’t have the right to defy me. You’re coming with me. This is your only chance.”

“When morning comes, I’ll go straight to Claudan and apologize myself,” Ray said firmly. “If you won’t, then I will.”

“Have you completely lost your mind?! I told you, he’s a monster!”

Ray felt her resolve falter for the briefest moment. Haysh had always been stubborn, but at least he’d once had some sense of decorum. Now, he was barely distinguishable from a drunken vagrant, mumbling nonsense and spouting wild accusations.

“Haysh… why are you acting like this?”

“Shh. Be quiet. Look over there,” Haysh whispered, his voice tight with panic. He pointed toward the empty hallway.

“What are you talking about?” Ray asked, following his gaze.

“That woman! Don’t you see her?”

There wasn’t a soul in sight—not a woman, not even a rat scurrying about. Ray frowned, letting out an exasperated sigh.

“Did you drink too much?”

“…”

“Haysh?”

Ray watched as Haysh clutched his chest, gasping for breath. She reached out to steady him, but he pushed her away, his voice trembling and nasal, as if he were on the verge of tears.

“Why me… Why is it always me?”

His words were heavy with fear. Haysh continued to stare at the empty space in front of him, biting his nails as he slowly backed away.

“If you don’t want to come, fine. I’ll survive on my own,” he said, his voice sharp and fractured.

Before Ray could stop him, he turned and bolted, disheveled hair bouncing as he disappeared into the distance. Ray didn’t even try to chase him. There was no point. The money Claudan had entrusted to him was as good as gone, sunk to the bottom of some figurative sea. Haysh, like a cowardly captain abandoning a sinking ship, had left Ray to deal with the fallout alone.

Her legs gave out, and she collapsed to the floor, curling in on herself. It was time to relinquish the happiness she’d borrowed. Ray had always known her time here was temporary. But the fear of rejection, of Claudan’s inevitable anger, had made her procrastinate reality far too long.

The cold floor seeped through the pajamas Mary had given her, sending a chill deep into her bones. Tears fell silently, dampening her knees. She resolved to cry herself out that night. Tomorrow, she thought bitterly, she wouldn’t even have the luxury of shedding tears.

A shadow loomed over her, startling her. It wasn’t the faint silhouette of tree branches cast by moonlight; it was unmistakably human.

Ray sniffled and looked up, head resting on her knees. “Haysh?”

But no—it wasn’t him. The figure was taller, broader.

“Did you come to get Haysh?” Ray stammered.

It was Claudan.

Ray froze, trembling like a shorn lamb. The cold seemed sharper, her fear amplifying it. She knew it was futile, but she felt compelled to explain, hoping to lessen Claudan’s inevitable anger.

“I knew. I knew Haysh was going to mess up, like before. I should’ve stopped him…”

Claudan stood motionless, his face blank and unreadable in the moonlight. His gaze was piercingly cold. Ray, feeling her nerves fray, began to scratch at her arm.

“He… He ran off,” she continued, her voice quivering. “I’m sorry. I really am. You must be furious, but I’ll fix it. I’ll work here to pay it back. I’ll—”

“Ray.”

“I’ll do a good job! Or, or I’ll go outside and find some way to earn it back. Haysh will come back, I’m sure—”

“God, you’re so exhausting,” Claudan muttered, cutting her off.

Ray faltered, her voice breaking. She couldn’t bear the tension any longer. It was unbearable, this icy silence between his words.

“Haysh this, Haysh that,” Claudan said, his tone sharp and mocking. “You’re obsessed. Can you go one sentence without bringing up his name? I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

Ray’s tears stopped cold. It was the first time he had ever openly expressed annoyance.

“Claudan… He—Haysh, I mean… He ran away. I could’ve stopped him—”

“Stop mumbling.”

“I—I’m sorry. I know you’re upset because of him, and because of me, too.”

“Stop mumbling.”

Claudan grabbed her roughly, pulling her to her feet. Half-leaning against him, Ray felt completely overwhelmed.

“I get it! You’re mad! I know you’re furious, but don’t take it all out on me—”

“Too much?” Claudan interrupted, his voice icy.

He cupped her face in his hands, his thumb brushing over her trembling lips.

“I told you not to leave your room. I said it over and over again.”

“I’m sorry, I really am. But the situation—”

“Every time you stammer and mumble…”

Ray bit her lip. Nervousness always made her stutter, a family trait she despised.

“It makes me want to shove something in your mouth,” Claudan said, his voice dropping lower, his meaning unmistakable.

“What are you talking about…?” Ray’s voice faltered.

Claudan smirked, his expression dark and unreadable.

“Whether it’s at the dining table, in the garden, or in the study, I want to tear you apart and knock you over.”

Claudan’s hand, which was touching Ray’s earlobe, gradually moved down.

“I was trying to protect you. You were pretty cute.”

Cool fingers unbuttoned her buttons one by one. At the same time, the closed door opened. Claudan slowly pushed Ray inside.

“It was nice to play like a child.”

The bed was just around the corner. Claudan kissed Ray’s forehead and let out his boiling breath.

“I can’t stand it anymore.”

On that cursed night, the door that blocked the moonlight closed.