Swallowed - Chapter 42

“Sunbae, are you serious?”

“……”

With that one sentence, Seyong felt the alcohol leaving her system. As Seyong’s lips lost their smile and stiffened, Jaeha gripped her hand tightly, to the point of pain. His will to not allow her to escape flowed through that hand.

“You like me, don’t you?”

The spirit in his voice, filled with conviction, squeezed Seyong’s heart painfully. She had hoped to just spend dreamlike moments without having this kind of conversation…

“I do,”

She answered with sincerity, but Jaeha’s expression only contorted. Seyong couldn’t possibly not know how many words he was swallowing.

“You like me, but why are you trying to break up?”

“Jaeha.”

“Just answer me.”

“……”

Each and every one of his words hurt. It hurt, but it felt good. Seyong lowered her head, afraid that such feelings would show on her face. But Jaeha knelt down. He knelt before Seyong and met her gaze. Seyong’s eyes darted around frantically, lost and wavering. In contrast, Jaeha’s eyes were firm, and his direct gaze held no hesitation.

“Get up.”

“What do I have to do to change your mind?”

“Jaeha, get up.”

“With each passing day, I like Han Seyong more and more, and I feel like I can’t live a single day without you, Sunbae, but the thought that we’re going to break up soon… it’s driving me crazy.”

Seyong struggled to pull his hand, but gave up and sat facing him. Tears were already welling up in Jaeha’s eyes, which had been filled with a frightening amount of strength. But instead of crying, he distorted his eyes and smiled. It was an expression of enduring so much.

“I should have never dated you in the first place.”

“!”

Seyong’s heart sank.

“Like you said, Sunbae, I should have dated other girls and kissed them. I shouldn’t have followed you to college… I should have given up when you changed your number and cut off contact…”

His voice, as he muttered through gritted teeth, trembled finely. Jaeha took a deep breath and paused for a moment. The emotions swirling within his swollen chest thrashed violently, unable to find an outlet. Jaeha, who exhaled in one breath as if vomiting, let out a self-deprecating laugh.

“If I had, I wouldn’t have known that living each day with Han Seyong, who likes me, is so happy… I would have just lived, just breathed…”

Seyong hugged Jaeha, telling him to stop talking. Jaeha didn’t push her away, but he didn’t hug her back either. He slumped his limp body and buried his face in Seyong’s chest, repeatedly exhaling his intensified breath.

Even as he gritted his teeth, a hollow laugh escaped. The words that it would have been better if they hadn’t dated were not sincere. He couldn’t find any color in his life without Han Seyong. He would literally just be breathing because he was alive.

How can I say that I love you so much that I don’t want to be with you?

Seyong squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed her sobs. The more she liked Jaeha, the more certain she became that they shouldn’t be together. It felt so good that Jaeha was holding on like this, but that’s why it couldn’t be.

‘I don’t know how she’s been living. Her dad’s become half his size.’

She still had nightmares of that day. She couldn’t forget her father’s last appearance. The car, sucked under the truck, was crumpled like a piece of paper, and his body was not intact either. He was reaching his upper body to the back seat as if trying to protect Seyong until the end. He couldn’t close his eyes with his hand reaching out to Seyong.

As she blankly stared at him, the people who came to rescue her covered Seyong’s eyes. Her vision went dark in an instant, but her father’s last appearance vividly came to mind as if it were engraved on the inside of her eyelids.

‘It’s set up as a survivor’s pension, so I can’t receive the insurance money. How can I not receive the money when he’s my husband? It’s ridiculous. It would have been better if we had just died together, so he wouldn’t have to suffer without his voice.’

Seyong grabbed her father’s hand and screamed as she was led out of the car by the paramedics. But no sound came out, as if a thick stick was stuck in her throat. Seyong thought she had died with her father at that moment. Her body had left the car, but her mind was hugging her father.

‘Seyong can’t cancel it until she becomes an adult, so is there a good way? She’s fierce like me. She’ll never let me use it, saying it’s the value of her dad’s life.’

Jaeha was surprised and raised his head as Seyong trembled finely as if she was convulsing. Her tightly closed eyes trembled and shed tears. It was an expression of concentrated pain.

“Sunbae, Sunbae!”

Seyong struggled to open her eyes at Jaeha’s urgent call. She blinked several times because she couldn’t believe that Jaeha was in front of her. As tears fell, Baek Jaeha became more and more clear.

Jaeha couldn’t move as Seyong, about to ask if he was okay, overlapped her lips as if she was relieved as if she was saved. Seyong also only attached her lips, and didn’t take any other actions. Both of them forgot to even breathe and focused on the sensation of their lips, and then burst out their breaths urgently.

“Haa, haa…”

Seyong, who was struggling to catch her breath, leaned her forehead on Jaeha’s shoulder. Jaeha thought that Seyong, who was suffering so much, was pathetic. How can I ask when she’s in pain and crying like this. It was too petty. This woman was not even letting him hold on now.

“What’s so painful?”.. What’s so difficult? Can’t you share and give me less?”Seyong, who didn’t give an answer but held him tightly as if telling him not to fall away, was infuriating, but his heart was racing without him realizing it, so Jaeha wanted to cry.” His chest didn’t have a brain, so no matter what the situation was, he was just going crazy because it was Han Seyong.

In the end, he embraced Seyong and let out a long sigh. He was going to hear heartfelt truths even if it was under the influence of alcohol, but he only made her suffer. He thought he could hear something if he pressed on, but he took it too easily. He misjudged the depth, even though he knew how fierce Han Seyong was.

Jaeha gently comforted Seyong by softly stroking her back and gathering her tangled hair together. Her cheeks and ears, neck, which had been covered by her hair, began to reveal. He slowly pressed his lips to that pretty face, ear, neck, shoulder, and comforted Seyong.

“I’ll bury everything again like a fool and just live happily, so don’t cry.”

I’m sorry…He wanted to hear something other than an apology. Jaeha swallowed a bitter smile. But Seyong repeated the words that she was sorry like a broken doll.

***

“I want to live in a world without exams.”

“Did you write well?”

“I don’t know. I just rambled on with nonsense. Won’t they look at the written castle? I endured from attaching ‘I love you, Professor’ on the last line. Yoojung was crying. It was an English essay class, and the exam was also writing an essay. When she received a blank sheet of paper, her head became white the same way.

“Of all days, it has to rain.” We have to eat pajeon with makgeolli. Shall we go to Dongmakgol?”

“I have to wait for Jaeha.”

“I’ll wait for you. Let’s go together. It’s an hour left, is it okay?”

“It’s okay. I’ll prepare for the exam tomorrow.”

Seyong also decided to do that and went down to the cafe with Yoojung. Daram said she would stop by the teaching assistant’s office for a moment and sent them first.

“The exam ends tomorrow, aren’t you going to see the cherry blossoms?”

“We see cherry blossoms at school every day.””

“Hey, is that the same? You have to go to the Han River for a date.”

Seyong smiled at Yoojung’s words. The school also has a well-established cherry blossom path, so she didn’t have a desire for cherry blossoms. She often spent time with Jaeha on a bench under the cherry blossom tree.

After the sports day, Jaeha didn’t bring up the breakup story again. He didn’t even mention it as if he couldn’t remember that desperate time, and when he opened his eyes the next day, he scattered the same bright and gentle smile as usual.

“Ugh, the last remaining exam is linguistics. If the exam isn’t easy, just you wait.”

The language and society professor still didn’t hide the signs that he disapproved of Seyong. Maybe it’s because she always uses tts to answer questions. But Seyong didn’t have any thoughts to force her voice to get into his heart. If she speaks, he’ll nitpick again for speaking.

She spread out the textbook, but it didn’t really progress because it was raining, or because she wasn’t worried since the exam was easy. She was just chatting away and it seemed like they would go to eat green onion pancakes when Jaeha came.

Jing, jing. Seyong, who was talking with Yoojung, checked the caller because the phone she was holding was vibrating finely. It was an unknown number. She was going to send a message as usual, but a receipt record appeared. It was a number that she had called once before. Seyong, who was thinking carefully about the date, recalled the phone that rang during the basketball game. She said to send a message then, but there was no message or call after that. She had forgotten it, thinking it was a wrong call, but she was concerned because the call came again.

“What phone call made you like that?”Yoojung tilted her head in confusion because she was just staring at the phone that was ringing. She said it was okay to the words that she would accept instead and shook her head. She was thinking of confirming who the opponent was.

She received the call, but the other person didn’t say anything because she didn’t say anything either. Seyong raised her eyebrows in surprise because she thought she would hear the usual greeting, hello.

Daram came down and sat next to her in the meantime. She looked at Seyong as if it were amazing that she had received the call and asked Yoojung with her lips, “Who?”

Yoojung shrugged her shoulders, saying she didn’t know either.

The receiver was keeping silence during that time too. Seyong was thinking of ending the call now. Her chest was cold because she thought, “Surely it’s that woman.” She was going to rather not answer the phone, but the other person opened her mouth just in time.

“It’s Jaeha’s mom. You’re Han Seyong, right?”

Ah. Seyong felt relieved without even knowing. She wasn’t particularly surprised because she had expected that the story would go into Jaeha’s parents’ ears. She didn’t know how they knew the phone number, but there was no way they couldn’t know. It’s been a while since she met the infant siblings, so it could be said that it took a long time in some ways.

Anyway, she didn’t need to be scared if it wasn’t ‘that girl’. Seyong gestured for understanding and went out of the cafe with her friends and moved her seat behind a pillar in the corner.

“Yes.”

“Let’s meet and talk.”

“Does Jaeha know about this too?”

Jaeha’s mother’s moaning was heard in Seyong’s ears because she seemed a little surprised when she said it flatly like singing a song. She was going to say “Could you speak?””, but she didn’t say that unexpectedly.

“There’s no need for him to know.”

She was resolute. Seyong gave strength to her smile because she was going to laugh awkwardly. Would there be a need to talk even if we meet? I’ll leave as an exchange student and we’ll part when the semester ends, so you don’t have to worry. She only had to say this one sentence. It wasn’t clear whether she understood or not.

“Do you know how much my heart dropped when I heard that Jaeha met you?”

“……”

“No, there’s no need to talk long. Just let him go. Jaeha.”

Seyong’s expression became cold at the expected reaction. It was obvious why she was saying that story to me and not directly to her son. She’s pressuring me because it won’t work at all if she talks to Jaeha. Seyong had a rebellious heart at the core that she can be hated, but she won’t be hated.

“I’m not holding him. Please speak directly to Jaeha.”

“You-“

“He changed his career path as he pleased without listening to his mother’s words and even chased after going to college, so would he go if I told him to go?  Do it directly, whether you confine him at home or break his legs. I don’t have the ability to do that.”